May 7, 2010
It’s Been Awhile
It’s been awhile and unfortunately that has been for some reasons that I wish didn’t happen. Fortunately, I think everything that has happened will eventually be for the best, but it is still hard to both realize and understand that this is all for the best. I am not one to fully put my faith into the theory that everything happens for a reason, but I do think that everything that has happened is at least bringing me to a point that I am more aware of everything around me as well as teaching me trust. Trust not only in those around me, but also trust in myself.
What happened to me is probably one of the scariest things that I has happened to me in my life so far and nothing that I ever want to go through again. What happened? In March, someone tried breaking into my home while I was home asleep. Fortunately, I was not in such a deep sleep that I heard the guy trying to get into my place. I may not know who it was that tried getting in, but I do know that it was a guy. I was able to grab my phone and call the police, who had me lock myself into my bathroom until they got here. The police were here in approximately four minutes (the 911 operator on the phone was able to verify the police were at my door and instructed me to run to the door to let them in) and when they got here came in with weapons drawn while I was held outside with another police officer. Unfortunately the would be intruder was scared away when he either heard me or the police and they have so far been unable to catch the guy. As if this wasn’t scary enough, I started contacting the detective assigned to my case to no avail when a detective from the sex crimes department contacted me. Unfortunately, the detectives truly believe that whomever it was that tried getting into my home was after me. Hence why I have been silent for so long.
Since all of this happened, I knew immediately that I didn’t want to “be a victim.” It is so easy to say that, it is totally different to truly believe that. The “why me” questions did not actually start until I had time to actually process everything that had happened. This process involved me moving out of my place and back in with my parents since the incident. This week has been my first week back and at the same time my first week on my own. I used to be so proud of my ability to be so comfortable on my own, but afterwards being on my own was pretty much impossible. I am getting better…slowly. This week has not been the easiest especially at night, but I am slowly getting to the point that I can sleep through the night. Will I ever be back to the point that I was before these events? More than likely not. I am so much more cautious of my surroundings now and getting back into even being interested in dating is really tough. I am definitely not going to let myself give up though. If I give up, then he still wins and I will not let anyone have that power over me!
Of course other things have also happened over the time that I stepped away and I am sure that in this whole process I will put everything out here, just at my own pace. I’m just not ready to put everything out there all at once, but I at least know that I am ready to face everything that I have been dealing with in the past weeks head on.
March 25, 2010
Not quite ready
A lot of really crazy things have happened lately. I’m not quite ready to put it all out there, but will eventually. Don’t know how long it will take, but these latest events have really shaken me up and it is taking everything I have to get through it.
March 11, 2010
Mini-Breakdown
Well, it finally happened. It was just a matter of time. I finally just lost it. Looking back at it now, it was kind of funny. Who just absolutely loses it over everything? I think I covered the gamut from hating where I live, wanting to move, wanting to end whatever I have with my crush, wanting marriage and kids, then not necessarily wanting kids, wanting to quit my job, everything, all in a span of a few hours!
I am pretty much past it right now and definitely know that I need this weekend out of town to just escape and not have to worry about anything here. I also realized that everything in my breakdown was giving me a way to run away and nothing to run to. I have taken a step back and avoided calling, texting, or emailing the crush so that I don’t do anything stupid with that. Hopefully this weekend will do exactly what I need it to do, give me time off from thinking and over analyzing instead giving me freedom and relaxation.
Otherwise, this week has been crazy. I ended up picking up a shift at the church on Tuesday night, which may have triggered the thought of not necessarily wanting kids. Those kids were wild! I ended up with a baby on my hip most of the night and ended up having to chase around and try and keep kids from doing everything they weren’t supposed to do at the same time. I think the cure though was the six year old that decided to color all over the tables, the wall, the counters, etc. She definitely knew better, but the adult in the room with her never said anything to stop her and then gave me a funny look when I made the girl help clean up her mess. Why should I have to clean up her mess, when she knew better? Monday and Wednesday were filled with softball after work and tonight is the first night that I actually get to be at home! Luckily I was able to get my package that has been in the office of my apartment complex since Saturday. I hadn’t thought that I ordered anything, but every now and then I end up getting random samples. Surprisingly though, it wasn’t samples. Instead it was a package from my Be My (Blog) Valentine. I absolutely love everything in my package and it is all going with me on my relaxation weekend! My package included a new journal (which I needed), a manicure/pedicure kit (will be using tonight to paint my toenails), a sleep mask (will come in handy at the hotel), and a great size thermos cup. I love everything in my package and can’t wait to put it all to use. Thank you so much. This definitely made my week and it was definitely a great pick up to my week! Well, off to pack for the weekend. I can’t wait! Can’t promise much blogging over the weekend, but we shall see, even if it may be short and from my phone!
March 6, 2010
Why do I question it?
Why is it that every time something seems to be going right, I start to question it? I have no reason to be questioning where things with my softball crush are going, yet for some reason I catch myself doing it. I know that I am tired of being single and the whole online dating thing is just not for me, but I also realize that I need to give everything that is happening with my crush time. I know that he shares the interest, but also realize that it is complicated when everything has to stay between us. The whole reasoning behind why is ridiculous, but if it being known that the two of us are seeing each other means that we won’t be able to play on the same team later on this year, then by all means I will have no problem keeping things quiet. I think it is only a matter of time before everyone else figures it out anyways and if that happens then we will just have to cross that bridge when we get to it. I hate having these doubts though but can fully understand why I have them. You have so many relationships that end with the other person leaving you for someone else or changing their mind and it eventually gets to you. I hate to think that I am afraid of getting close to someone, but I truly think that is what it is. I am afraid to let anyone in because I fear that when I do, they will end up leaving me. I feel like I am at a huge fork in the road and have absolutely no clue which path to take. I hate feeling like I want something so bad, yet I can’t have what I want because I am afraid to take that step for it. Yet I hesitate and it slips further away from me. I know that I just need to enjoy what my crush and I have right now, even though it is nothing serious, yet at the same time I keep hearing that voice in the back of my head saying that I do want something serious and scared to just go with it for fear that I will just push him away. Why does this have to be so confusing. I hate to question when it is going to be my turn to meet the person I am intended to be with, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder. I always thought that I would be married and have my own family, or at least be starting one by now, but yet here I am still trying to figure it all out. I just need the strength to take this all one step at a time and just not question it. Hopefully this will all just get easier.
February 23, 2010
Ouch!
Well, I ended up going to the doctor today because my knee was just not getting better. I am the proud owner of a dislocated patella. It actually ended up going back where it should be so I didn’t have to worry about having it put back into place, thank goodness. Luckily there should be no long term issues with it, but it is going to be a minor annoyance for a while. Steroid shot in the knee is never fun, but it could always be worse. Of course it is going to be stiff more than likely the rest of the night, but I would really enjoy the pain going away. It kind of feels like a slight burning pain right now, but part of me wonders if that could be some of the initial medication wearing off.
It actually has snowed all day here. Kind of unusual since it doesn’t normally snow here. This is now twice within a year’s time frame. It has stuck mainly to the grass and of course it will all be gone in the morning. At least I would imagine so especially since it is supposed to be back in the 60s again tomorrow. Nothing like wearing shorts over the weekend and now back to sweaters and jeans. No wonder people around here have been getting sick so much. As long as it isn’t me getting sick, then it is fine with me.
February 21, 2010
What a Weekend
Just when I think everything is going great, I end up doing something to my knee. I would have thought it would be my left knee since it is the one that I have had issues with before and have had surgery on, but of course that would be too easy. I felt a pop in my right knee on Saturday, but it thinking it was something simple like the joint just popping, now I think that it is something else. It hurts to bend it and is kind of swollen. Now hopefully it will be feeling better tomorrow because of course I have softball tomorrow night. Guess it’s just going to be a lazy night relaxing on the couch with ice on my elevated knee. If there is anything that I want to avoid the most, it’s definitely another knee injury.
Otherwise, it was a pretty good weekend. Several of my friends came in to town this weekend so I spent a lot of time hanging out with them. If anything though, I am done with BBQ for a little while. I didn’t think that you could ever eat too much, but I am convinced that you surely can now. First Friday night and then Saturday night, not to mention that I had eaten it twice during the week. I think I may think twice about having any this week. It was great to be able to spend time with friends that I haven’t seen in a while though and hopefully I will get the chance to see them again sometime soon.
February 16, 2010
No Questions
I am not asking questions about it because we both know that neither one of us wanted to make the first move, but yeah there is definitely something there with my softball crush. Another late night hanging out with people from my team and eventually it ended up being just the two of us again, but I’m not complaining. Okay, except for the cold, as it was pretty darn cold outside last night. We talked for a little while and both admitted that we are interested in each other, but haven’t pursued anything each for our own reasons. I’m trying to not think about my reasons because I think that I am just over thinking everything. I need not worry about whether or not I fit in with this team. For the most part I know that I fit in with this team, I just don’t want to complicate anything. We did talk about it and for now everything between us is being kept between us, though I figure it’s only a matter of time before other people on the team start to put it together. I think it will only last for a little while before something else becomes more interesting. Of course the two of us talking and both asking the other why they hadn’t pursued more led to both of us just making a move at the same time. I am surely not complaining about that! We are both in agreement about just taking things as they come though and definitely taking our time in the process. I definitely don’t want to jump into anything serious right off the bat, but wouldn’t mind if this does turn into something serious.
February 14, 2010
Oh Canada!
Watching the Olympics has been great, but there is one side effect that I was not planning on. It’s what my friends refer to as my Canada bug. I have always wanted to travel to and explore Canada and had a blast the last time I was there. My last trip was to British Columbia and included Victoria, Vancouver, and Whistler. I wished I could have stayed longer, but made a promise to myself that I would definitely be going back. While there, I really wished there would have been enough time to go to Banff, but there wasn’t. Now, I am getting my chance. More than likely the trip will not be this year, but a trip is now being planned to go back to Canada. There has been no decision if the trip will start in Vancouver or Calgary, but for right now, it is kind of looking like Calgary. This trip will pretty much include Banff, Jasper, and either Vancouver or Calgary. Calgary is definitely closer to Banff than Vancouver, but I absolutely loved Vancouver and the friend that is going with me has never been to Canada. I want to eventually ski at Whistler, but doubt there will be enough time for skiing at Whistler then going to Banff. Plenty of time to figure it out though.
February 11, 2010
Flowers
You know when you are single and someone at work says that you have gotten flowers, it is kind of hard to believe. Today though it happened to me! My dad bought me flowers for Valentine’s Day and had them sent to me at the office. I love when my dad does stuff like that. They smell great too. Of course, I will be bringing them home tomorrow after work so that my house can smell nice. What a great way to brighten up a gloomy day (weather) and a long work day!
February 8, 2010
Changing Things Up
Well, I broke down and committed to an iphone finally. My only complaint so far is that it should not take a training course in order to learn how to use your phone. I am figuring it out, but I have asked a ton of questions it seems in regards to it. I know that it may take a little while to get used to the idea of having my email and web access on my phone, but it will happen.
One thing that I am not ready for changing is the weather, yet again. Gloomy and rainy to sunny, then back to gloomy and rainy. Enough already! Is it going to change? Of course! Now the weather people are saying that we could get sleet and possibly snow this week. It is not supposed to snow here let alone twice within a year’s time frame! I truly don’t mind the snow, but most people here are not used to cold weather let alone snow. Guess we will just have to wait a little bit longer to see what kind of weather is truly going to happen. I’m sure though that if they think it will snow tomorrow, there will start to be concern over roads freezing and the need to close or delay everything. When will people realize that this is just a typical February here? Guess it’s a good thing that I have yet to put the sweaters away and the plants are still inside.
Tonight was also the first time that I have been able to see a good friend of mine in a while. Originally, we just planned on grabbing coffee and catching up, but this morning she asked if I would rather grab an early dinner. I would have much preferred the time with her to play catch up, but her husband joined us as well. I did get the chance to see her baby that is growing like a weed! She is a very cute baby, just growing up really quick. I’m sure that we will get the chance to get together just the two of us sometime soon for some girl talk, it’s just hard with both of us having busy schedules. It will all work out somehow though.
